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Archive for the ‘Zombies’ Category

-From BBC News

There has been a small outbreak of “zombism” in a small town near the border of Laos in North-Eastern Cambodia.

The culprit was discovered to be mosquitoes native to that region carrying a new strain of Malaria which thus far has a 100 percent mortality rate and kills victims in fewer than 2 days.

After death, this parasite is able to restart the heart of its victim for up to two hours after the initial demise of the person where the individual behaves in extremely violent ways from what is believed to be a combination of brain damage and a chemical released into blood during “resurrection.”

Cambodian officials say that the outbreak has been contained and the public has no need to worry.

General Ary Serey had this to say, “We have obtained samples of this new parasite and plan to learn how it starts the heart and other major organs of the deceased. We intend to use this to increase the quality of life for all.”

US Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice opposed the plan saying that the Cambodian government holds a great biological weapon and should destroy it immediately. Cambodian officials have yet to comment.

A United Nations team will be dispatched to Cambodia to confirm the safety of biological research in Cambodia.

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Did I ever mention that I am severely “PAEDOPHOBIC”

Paedophobia is the fear or infants and young children. I don’t trust them. I’d rather sleep in a pit of venomous snakes than spend 5 minutes alone with a baby.

Babies are evil and must be stopped.

Forget about the threat of suicide bombers and nuclear war and global climate change and infectious disease and planet X and flesh eating zombies.

Those bald headed banshees are the real threat to civilization.

I cringe every time I hear one of those creatures screaming incoherent gibberish. That terrible sound makes me want to kill something. It is a torture worse that waterboarding or electrocution or leeches on your naughty parts. And it never stops. It never sleeps. It never shuts up. That sonic screech pulsating out of their giant misshapen heads. Vomit and drool seeping out of their toothless mouths. Crusty chunks of tapioca pudding embedded in their sponge bob square pants stretch suit. They Stumble around like drunken ventriloquist dolls. Like a Frankenstein monster stalking his next victim. Their diapers full of urine and digested carrot puree. The stink! That horrible baby smell. The smell of shit and talcome powder and rotten apple sauce. The smell of death. The smell of evil. The smell of a miniature hobo.

And babies seem to love me. They gravitate toward me like flesh hungry zombies.

They must smell my fear.

I don’t understand why so many people want babies, or find babies so adorable and precious. Am I the only one that can see past those big red eyes?

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The Fine Print

or maybe I am just getting old. 

I am amazed in this day and age of modern marketing that almost every shampoo company has decided the least important words to put on their bottles are “shampoo” and “conditioner.”  I don’t wear glasses, and I am reasonably intelligent and perceptive, but when I am in the shower I look down and see two large identical bottles.  I know in theory I have a 50/50 chance of grabbing the right bottle.  But no, I always grab the wrong one. 

Friggin’ annoys the shit out of me.

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Zombie survival tip #231

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Concerning range vs. accuracy:

“Studies have shown that given the trauma of battle, the closer a human is to a zombie, the wilder his shooting will be. When practicing with your firearm(s), establish a maximum range for repeated accuracy. Practice against moving targets in ideal (stress-free) conditions. Once that range is fixed, divide it by half. This will be your effective kill zone during an actual attack. Make sure the undead do not move close than this zone, as your accuracy will erode.”

–“The Zombie Survival Guide” by Max Brooks 

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