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Archive for the ‘health’ Category

-From BBC News

There has been a small outbreak of “zombism” in a small town near the border of Laos in North-Eastern Cambodia.

The culprit was discovered to be mosquitoes native to that region carrying a new strain of Malaria which thus far has a 100 percent mortality rate and kills victims in fewer than 2 days.

After death, this parasite is able to restart the heart of its victim for up to two hours after the initial demise of the person where the individual behaves in extremely violent ways from what is believed to be a combination of brain damage and a chemical released into blood during “resurrection.”

Cambodian officials say that the outbreak has been contained and the public has no need to worry.

General Ary Serey had this to say, “We have obtained samples of this new parasite and plan to learn how it starts the heart and other major organs of the deceased. We intend to use this to increase the quality of life for all.”

US Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice opposed the plan saying that the Cambodian government holds a great biological weapon and should destroy it immediately. Cambodian officials have yet to comment.

A United Nations team will be dispatched to Cambodia to confirm the safety of biological research in Cambodia.

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I’M DYING

My left eye has been twitching periodically for the past 3 days. Tiny muscle spasms that strobe my vision. This isn’t the first time my left eye has gone all twitchy on me. When I’m extremely fatigued or if I’ve spent too many long hours in front of the computer my eye will twitch like a dying fish to tell me that I need to rest. Usually this twitch happens 2 or 3 times in a day and goes away. But this time my eye won’t stop twitching. A constant pulsating rhythm. After the second day I started thinking about brain tumors and muscle degeneration. I imagine myself having a stoke while going 70 mph on the freeway and hitting a bus full of school children, flames and blood and screaming pieces of our future lying everywhere.

Did I mention that I’m a hypochondriac.

A couple days ago a large area of my back suddenly became hot to the touch. There was no noticeable rash or insect bite or other skin irritation. Just an intense heat. It felt like the flesh of my back was touching the sun. I couldn’t get comfortable. After a few hours it went away. Maybe it was just an allergic reaction to something I ate or touched. Maybe it was lung cancer from second hand smoke. Maybe it was God blessing me with some terminal illness – a near death experience to make me appreciate life more.

Several months ago I woke up with a severe pain in my left elbow, and I had difficulty moving it. My elbow was noticeably swollen and red, and the skin looked dry and cracked like desert sand. My elbow was warm to the touch. My elbow felt like I slammed it against a brick wall. The pain didn’t go away for a couple days. I kept waking up with this red elbow throbbing in pain. Maybe I had gout – monosodium urate crystals growing on the cartilage of my joints making my elbow inflamed and fat. Maybe it was something worse. Something rare and deadly. Something never seen my medical science. But after a few days the pain disappeared and never came back.

Did I mention that I’m a hypochondriac.

I could keep going.

but you already know I’m crazy.

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Trust me on that one.

 

Anyway this is my “Being 40” update.

 

I had written in a previous post about turning 40 and how your body starts to fall apart.

 

To be totally honest, I had mentioned a bump on my upper leg and talking to my doctor about it… well that was over the phone last summer and he told what it could be (one of them being HPV), which freaked me out.

 

So I attempted “home surgery”…. not a good idea… 

 

So I went in for my yearly check-up yesterday (oh, I’ve had high blood pressure since I was 20, by the way), to check my blood pressure and all that, and I decided to show my doctor the bump (post home surgery) and he said, “that’s just a freekin’ mole”… “hold on”… he left and came back with a giant tank  with a “raygun” attached to it and shot me in the leg with it.

 

He then told me I was completely clean and told me to go home get naked, have a beer and watch TV.  That last “order” was to (I hope) help aid in the healin’?   Maybe he just thinks we all need to get naked more and drink beer?  Who knows?

 

My doctor is pretty cool like that…

 

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